How do you stay in dialogue when you're angry, scared, or hurt? How do you rethink yourself back into control? How do you take charge of your emotions and gain control of crucial conversations? You learn to exert influence over your own feelings. You can master your emotions by mastering the stories you tell yourself. In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about mastering your stories to rethink yourself back into control.
Retrace Your Path and Tell the Rest of the Story
If strong emotions keep you stuck in silence or violence, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest retracing your path and telling the rest of the story.
Retracing Your Path:
- Notice your behavior. Are you in some form of silence or violence?
- Get in touch with your feelings. What emotions are encouraging you to act this way?
- Analyze your stories. What story is creating these emotions? Can you create a more resourceful story?
- Get back to the facts. What evidence do you have to support the story? (watch out for three clever stories: Victim, Villain, and Helpless Stories.)
Tell the Rest of the Story:
- Are you pretending not to notice your role in the problem?
- Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
- What do you really want?
- What would you do right now if you really wanted these results?
Emotions Don't Just Happen
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler write the following claims about emotions:
- Claim One. Emotions don't settle upon you like a fog. They are not foisted upon you by others. No matter how uncomfortable it might make you feel saying it -- others don't make you mad. You make you mad. You and only you create your emotions.
- Claim Two. Once you've created your emotions, you have only two options. You can act on them or be acted on by them. That is, when it come sto strong emotions, you either find a way to master them or fall hostage to them.
The Best Think Out Their Emotions
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler write how the best at dialogue shape their emotions through their stories:
"The good at dialogue realize that if they don't control their emotions, matters will get worse. So they try something else. They fake it. They choke down reactions and then do their best to get back to dialogue. At least, they give it a shot.Our Stories
The best at dialogue do something completely different. They aren't held hostage by their emotions, nor do they try to hide or suppress them. Instead, they act on their emotions. That is, when they have strong feelings, they influence (and often change) their emotions by thinking them out. As a result, they choose their emotions, and by so doing, make it possible to choose behaviors that create better results."
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler make the following points about stories:
- Stories explain what's going on. Stories are how you explain to yourself what's going on and whether it's good or bad. Stories are theories you use to explain why, how and what.
- Even if you don't realize it, you are telling yourself stories. Storytelling typically happens blindingly fast.Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories. Lots of stories can fit the facts, but the different stories can create very different emotions.
- If we take control of our stories, they won't control us. Tell different stories to break the loop. Until you tell different stories, you can't break the loop. The best at dialogue influence their emotions during crucial conversations. They recognize that while it's true that at first we are in control of these stories we tell - once they're told, the stories control us. They control how we feel and act. And, as a result, they control the results we get from our crucial conversations.
Path to Action
The path to action is: See/Hear -> Tell a Story -> Feel -> Act:
- Stories Drive Feelings. Your stories drive your feelings. For example, when you see or hear something, the story you tell yourself about it, determines how you feel. Did that person mean you harm? Was their comment an insult?
- Feelings Drive Actions. Your feelings drive your actions. For example, if you feel hurt or worried, you might act with silence or cheap shots.
Simply put, your stories create your feeling and your feelings drive your actions.
Path to Action Example
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler give an example of a typical Path to Action:
- See/Hear. Louis makes all the points, meets privately with the boss.
- Tell a Story. He doesn't trust me/thinks I'm weak. If I speak up I'll look too emotional.
- Feel. Hurt; worried.
- Act. Silence; cheap shots.
Retrace Your Path
The key to rethinking yourself back into control is to retrace your Path to Action. To retrace your Path to Action, work backwards:
- Act. Notice your behavior. Ask if you are in some form of silence or violence (Six Styles Under Stress)
- Feel. Get in touch with your feelings. What feelings are causing you to feel this way? Words matter. Knowing what you're really feeling helps you take a more accurate look at what's going and why. You might say you're angry, but you're really embarrassed and surprised. You might say you're unhappy, but you really feel violated.
- Tell a Story. What story is creating these emotions? Analyze your stories. Question your feelings and stories. Given the circumstances, is it the right feeling? Are you telling the right story? Feelings come from stories and stories are our own invention. Don't confuse stories with facts.
- See/Hear. What evidence do you have to support this story? Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior. What did you see or hear? To avoid confusing stories with fact, also watch for "hot" terms. For example, "Her eyes pinched shut and her lips tightened," as opposed to "She scowled at me.""Scowl" is a hot term expressing judgement that creates strong emotion. Hot terms are story, not facts.
Watch for Three Clever Stories
We often tell clever stories because they get us off the hook or keep us from acknowledging our own sellouts.
- Victim Stories - "It's not my fault."
- Villain Stories - "It's all your fault."
- Helpless Stories - "There's nothing else I can do."
Tell the Rest of the Story
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest the following:
- Turn victims into actors. If you notice you're talking about yourself as an innocent victim, ask, are you pretending not to notice your role in the problem?
- Turn villians into humans. Humanize it. If you're labeling or vilifying others, stop and ask, why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing?
- Turn the helpless into the able. Stop and ask, what do you really want? For yourself? For others? For the relationship? What would you do right now if you really wanted these results?
Key Take Aways
I think Master My Stories is one of the most important, yet most difficult skills to master. Here's my key take aways.
- Work backwards from your negative behavior. Are you showing one of your Styles Under Stress? What emotion is behind your action? What story did you tell yourself about what you saw or heard is causing that emotion? Did you check your facts before jumping to conclusions?
- Factor stories from conclusions, assumptions and facts. Sanity check your facts by asking what did you see or what did you hear? It's easy to conclude that you saw John get angry. What you actually saw was he threw his desk. What you didn't see was there was a bee that scared him and he was trying to escape. You won't have time to check your assumptions all the time, but when the stake are high, stop and take the time.
- Watch out for Villain, Victim and Helpless stories. They are limiting, not empowering. Choose stories that empower you to take action and produce more effective results.
- Choose your stories to shape your emotions. You'll physically react based on the story you tell yourself. Choose the right story for the circumstance.
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