Disarming Technique

In Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated, David Burns writes how you can take the wind out of your nagging critic’s sails by agreeing with your critic, but making it your own decision, not theirs.

Pushy Approaches Don’t Work
Burns shares why pushy approaches don’t work:

“Your sense of paralysis will be intensified if your family and friends are in the habit of pushing and cajoling you. This nagging should statements reinforce the insulting thoughts already echoing through your head. Why is their pushy approach doomed to failure? It’s a basic law of physics that for every action there’s an equal and opposite reaction. Any time you feel shoved, whether by
someone’s hand actually on your chest or by someone trying to boss you around, you will naturally tighten up your chest and resist so as to maintain your equilibrium and balance. You will attempt to exert your self-control and preserve your dignity by refusing to do the thing that you are being pushed to do. The paradox is that you often end up hurting yourself.”

Example Scenario for the Disarming Technique
Burns writes about Mary, a woman in her late teens, who avoid doing things because it would mean giving in to her mother:

“Supposed you are Mary, and after thinking things over you decide you would be better off if you got involved in doing a number of things. You’ve just made this decision when your mother comes into your bedroom and announces, “Don’t you lie around any longer! Your life is going down the drain. Get moving! Get involved in the things the way the other girls your age do!” At that moment, in spite of the fact that you have already decided to do just that, you develop a tremendous aversion to it!”

Using the Disarming Technique
Burns shows how to disarm the attack and avoid cutting off your nose to spite your face:

“The disarming technique is an assertive method that will solve this problem for you. The essence of the disarming technique is to agree with your mother, but to do so in a way that you remind her you are agreeing with her based on your own decision, and not because she was telling you what to do. So you might answer this way: “Yes, Mom, I just thought the situation over myself and decided it would be to my advantage to get moving on things. Because of my own decision, I’m going to do it.” Now you can start doing things and not feel bad. Or if you wish to put more of a barb in your comments, you can always say, “Yes, Mom, I have in fact decided to get out of bed in spite of the fact you’ve been telling me to!””

My Key Takeaways
I don’t think anybody likes to be told what to do. At the same time, life’s full of unsolicited advice from family, friends, teachers, colleagues, bosses, you name it. In cases where the advice is sound, but you don’t like their approach and you don’t want to give up your power to make your own decisions, the key is take ownership for your decisions. It’s ultimately a win-win because., if they really had your best intentions at heart, then they’re happy to see the results. You’re happy because it’s your decision and you made it cleat that nobody is pushing you around.

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